Overthink. Hide it or not, it's something we all do. So much that it probably tops the list of hard hitting habits. It has become so natural that it feels a part of my personality now. It's 3 am and I'm wide awake, staring at the dark, overanalysing every little aspect of my 22 year existence on earth. Digging out every wrong I've ever done, finding reasons to free happiness, reshuffling blames. Let my grey matter free and willingly sacrifice beautiful 3 hours of sleep.
And it's damaging. How? The body functions in a freakishly weird manner. My tired body needs rest. No energy left to twich even a finger but the brain has already travelled lightyears. It delibertely succumbs to overthinking. Picking the very particular incidents again and again, every night. Drowned in sorrow, anxiety and tension. Wondering upon on ways to apologise for what I've done to hurt everyone, even if I've not. There's always an opponent to the brain. Heart says yes and mind says no. So I'm sitting alone with bags under my eyes and clenching fists and wanting to physically shut my brain off. An hour more and it settles down to time and perspective. Nothing is wrong, nothing is right. What's perfect, no one is perfect, no one is ideal. Everyone has their flaws and faults. It's all about acceptance and adjustment. Everyone is beautiful in their own way and each of us has a beautiful quality either inside or out. These thoughts keep on going in circles.
Now the coin has an other side too. Not every overthought was an issue that was never there to begin with. Some things really need to be thought upon deeply to decipher the complexities. Education, jobs, relationships - makes a plentyful platter. My thoughts used to stay scribbled onto the pages of my notebooks until I unknowingly started overthinking out loud. The scribbles arranged themselves into short stories and doodles became art. Everything sprouted a meaning now. Overthinking is damaging but it's a beautiful mess of emotions, feelings and moments. Just that its not worth the time and happiness.