Here is something I have been struggling with lately, it is a combinations of many things.
1. How to forgive friends who are apparently close to you?
2. What to do when you find out your close friends are bitching / gossiping about you.
3. How to come to an understanding that it’s okay to cut friends out who are toxic for you?
I want to start by saying I have this compulsion, this need that everyone must like me. That’s why from a young age I wanted everyone to be my friend, rather best friend. I just wanted to fit in. Call people my own, have some sort of grounding. And I thought people would give that to me. So I altered most of my personality to be ‘liked’.
For most of my life I didn’t know who I was, what I liked, what my soul or heart needed. I did any and everything to please people. And throughout my teenage life I was always drunk, high or smoking to just suffocate my problems.
I was never good at confronting myself let alone another. So when issues with people arose I just cut off as if they never existed.
Yoga taught me (and is still teaching me) a lot of things. One of which has always been to listen to my inner voice. The second is that one needs people to understand oneself. If there’s any conflict / anger / turmoil we feel with someone, that’s mostly the war we are fighting within ourselves.
Also yoga taught me not to always be the healer that I need to take priority for myself because if I don’t who else will?
I’ve also taught myself to talk to people, to not always keep things bottled inside me even though it’s very uncomfortable because that’s where growth is.
It took me a long while to be where I am today, accepting of myself and I know I have a long way to go but I am proud of who I am today.
My heart felt heavy when I got to know about the gossiping part. Some of me didn’t believe it. Because we were close you know.
How I dealt with the people’s pleasing/ self hate/ others gossiping. I needed to introspect and came out with these 12 points.
1. Even in friendship it won’t always be smooth saliling. There will be fights and arguments BUT TALKING to THE person is always important. Communication is always important. Because when you leave your defenses outside the room and each person is willing to listen to the other, growth of that friendship happens.
2. I want to emphasise this point even more you should to talk TO the person rather than with other friends because that’s how gossip builds. That’s how insecurities build. That’s why friendships tear down.
3. I personally want to surround myself with people who build each other up, root for each other and question each other from a space of love.
4. Here’s the thing, what I know is that everyone comes from a broken, vulnerable space but if I never want to internally harm someone why should I allow that on myself. I can keep saying it’s their journey and they will learn. But I don’t need to be part of a relationship where I am being torn down. Emotional abuse is abuse.
5. Friends and family are people close to you, but if someone is draining you out. You need to cut out from them. And this seems impossible or difficult at first because y’all feel like sticking together but the more you stick around the more you will fester in negativity.
6. Most times I WAS THE NEGATIVE ONE. The one gossiping ,the one who’s insecure because I thought hate brings people together. (True though but let me tell you love does more magical things. ) I cut out from everyone in my life. I needed to take a time out from meeting people just so that I get confident and allow love to seep through the hatred inside me.
7. I had to learn to forgive myself. This is what I still struggle with.
8. When I got my energies back I realised I was more secure as a human being. I didn’t need to talk about people or others to have a conversation. I could be silent and the friends who cared would just sit in silence. We started speaking about things OUR lives rather than others.
9. When I came to know about the friends who were gossiping I sent out as much postive energy as I could. Because for you to spend time hating on others there is that much hatred in you. You are that much insecure.
10. But I did confront the people and they gave me very shakey responses. And that was closure for me to move on. Because I knew what I wanted now. I knew who I wanted to be supported by.
11. I didn’t want drama in my life anymore. I didn’t want my mind to be sad or angry for no reason. I could control my mental health and I’m taking things into my hands.
12. I didn’t want to be surrounded by people who are jealous of me or fake friends. I wanted genuine souls where we all can learn from each other.
This is giving me the healing I need. Knowing my worth to still be loving and kind but not being a doormat. Allowing people the space and time to grow and heal with themselves where I don’t need to be in the toxicity.
This set me free.